I have decided that the character limits on facebook posts are stifling my insane ramblings. I therefore am revising my blog so that I can expose my full blown insanity. Before a new insane rambling begins...here is a one of my favorite ramblings.... I am laughing to the "cross your legs" point just remembering...

Did you really expect it to be free and other Tales of Fun from Schaumburg

September 20, 2010 at 7:49am

BEING IN VOGUE MEANS BEING IN PAIN
First off let me warn you that if you are planning a girls weekend it is no necessary to match your shoes with your purse because the co-shoppers will not be impressed.  When you point out that you are coordinated one of them will laugh and say something like "Whaatt you think you are coordinated because your shoes and purse are both black????" It is obvious that a certain person does not read Vogue. I have determined after this weekend that matching shoes and purse will no longer be necessary, not so much cause I travel with unstylish people, but because matching shoes with your purse results in really sore feet which in turn makes your hip hurt which then slows down the shopping process.  When you are limping your co-shoppers will says "Is you hip still hurting Granny. Do we need to sit down and rest?"
Perhaps if I find a purse that matches my Asics 1140's I will return to my match the purse and shoes mentality. Until then I will shop with my beautiful black shiny purse and my dingy asics 1140s.

DON'T BLAME ME IF YOU GET MISTAKEN FOR A HOOKER OR "WHAT NOT TO WEAR" COMES LOOKING FOR YOU
All I can says is Sears sells some really hideouse jewelry in their clearance section and someone that went on Girls weekend with us made a purchase from that section.

DID YOU REALLY EXPECT IT TO BE FREE?
Target is a must when shopping. It does not matter if we have a Target in our very own town. We will drive around in circles for a very LONG time just to discovery it was right down the street from our hotel(see very first paragraph for how this happens). At any rate, we eventually make our way to Target and are in hot pursuit of clearance items when the girls find it...the very thing that every hardcore clearance shopper seeks....SOMETHING FOR FREE.  They find pajama bottoms clearly marked $0.00. It does not matter that it stands to reason that they are marked $0.00 for a reason..because they obviously are a set and the correct price is on the missing part.  They head to the registers but have to first check out the lines to see if they can find a "Newby" clerk cause they think they have a better chance at getting their pajama pants for $0.00 if they find either a dimwit or a new clerk. They pass on the grey haired cranky looking clerk and pick the big strapping fella that looks like (and talked liked) the actor that use to play the Hulk on TV ( Lou something or other).  They go up there and he starts scanning Tasha's stuff and he sees the $0.00 item. He looks confused and Kendra advises him that the pants are free cause they are marked $0.00.  He decides he needs to consult the manager. He calls over the manager and they both look at the $0.00 item pants and Kendra patiently explains they are ZERO dollars.  The manager then tries to explain to her that it is part of a set in which Kendra rightly explains there was no other piece that matched.  The manager tells the clerk to  punch in the numbers and he is says "No it is $6.95" and then he says "You didn't really expect to get it for free did you?" Kendra responds "Well kinda".  Meanwhile I am laughing and dying from embarrassement behind her, the clerk is laughing, the manager is laughing, the lady behind me is NOT laughing. Tasha and Kendra did not get their $0.00 pants and Kendra's parting words to the clerk were" You better fix that because the next customer may not be so nice about it"
 
BEING FULL DOES NOT MEAN SAYING "NO THANK YOU" TO DESSERT
Okay just cause you say "I am sooo fulllllllll. I am sooooo sick" does NOT mean you are too full or to sick for cookie pizza for dessert.
The cookie part of the stomach is entirely separate from the dinner part of the stomach.

LESS SLICE MORE WEDGE
All I can say is when someone says "I am not like you Mom" and then proceeds to order the carrot cake and tells the waitress "I would like the carrot cake and make that less slice and more wedge" that girl is EXACTLY her mother.

10 Great Discoveries of 2011

1) Dayquel will make you run great for 10 miles then it wears off...note for next year..pack xtra dayquel on half marathon

2)I do not look like Shakira but if I drink a margarita and squint while looking in the mirror I look remarkably like Madonna

3) The Army of the Undead does not reside in our neighborhood cemetery (knowledge imparted by Grandson Adam)

4) A Pumpkin Spice Latte is just as good as a xanax

5) A triple shot of espresso does absolutely nothinggggggggggggggggggg

6) There is no such thing as too much of a good thing..this has been proven by experiments with snickers and oreos

7) Good Grandmas will let their grandsons eat skittles and candy corn for breakfast

8) It is entirely possible for a middle aged,slightly saggy Grandma to be deemed as a Wonder Woman candidate (knowledge imparted by Grandson Keaton)

9) If you nag your friend for two years straight she will wait for you at the finish line of the 1/2 marathon for an additional hour waiting for you to cross.

10) Pants that slim your silhouette DO NOT EXIST.

Things you Should Not Say or Do to a Woman Going Through Menopause

1)When you wife comes home grumpy from work DO NOT look at your watch and say "Is it that time of the Month Again" Proper Response "I cannot believe the whole world does not know what a wonderful perfect woman you are..nobody appreciates you properly."

2)When your wife says "I cannot believe I am not losing weight with all the exercise I do." DO NOT respond with, "Maybe if you would cut back on your food you would not have to exercise so much" Proper Response " You are perfect just the way you are. You are way hotter then Shakira"

3) When your wife says "Do you think this outfit makes me look fat?" DO NOT respond by saying "Well clothes cannot make you look any fatter then you actually are."
PROPER RESPONSE "Baby you look good in anything. Your are totally my Top Model"

4)DO NOT look in the crock pot and say "Gross I hate crock pot food" Proper Response "I can't believe you work all week and still have dinner ready every night...you are a domestic goddess please let me worship at your feet"

5) DO NOT ASK your wife "are you going to lay around all day and do nothing but read and watch Law & Order" Do say "while you are laying there my dear, why don't I bring you a little snack and flip the channel to "Snapped" for you."

6) DO NOT respond with " I would bite you too" if your wife complains that your stinky old mean dog once AGAIN bit her on the leg. Do say "I will at once take that vicious animal to the animal shelter and please lay down and rest your injured leg while I fetch you a DQ Pecan Pie Blizzard while you recover"

7)DO NOT say "What did you do to your hair" when your wife comes home from the hair dresser when the beauty shop got a little snip happy. PROPER RESPONSE " I see you got a sassy new haircut my little minx"

8) When your wife says "Honey I made cookies and nary a cookie crossed my lips" DO NOT say "you are not missing much they were dry anyway" Proper Response: "Your will power is amazing, you truly are the most amazing woman that has ever walked the earth (additional guidance...do not insert the words "aside from my mother' in the proper response) If you happen to be talking to your mother you WILL want to insert those words)

9) DO NOT say "Maybe you should go to the doctor to get a prescription for whatever this is that you are going through because this is not normal" Proper Response "Let me mix you up a pitcher of margaritas and bring you a basket of chips and some salsa. I think there is a marathon of "Snapped" Episodes let me get the remote"

10) DO NOT EVER EVER EVER SAY "Why can't you do (fill in the blank with just about anything) like (fill in the blank with any other woman's name). DO SAY "My darling I bet you could do (fill in the blank) a hundred times better then (fill in the blank with any other woman's name). I am totally not worthy of you. Please allow me to worship you, take you to the Mall and buy you much cheap gaudy bling"

Why it Sucks to be Over 40 something.....

10. Metabolism comes to a screeching halt...mine is the equivalent of a Hippensteel Funeral Home client.

9. You cannot stay out all night with your friends and work the next day...if your not in bed by 9:00 (and that would be p.m.) then you have to take a nap in the breakroom during lunch and your co workers will ask if you have the flu and advise "You look horrible"

8. The sexy tousled bed head look now just looks like you forgot to brush your hair.

7. You cannot eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner and still button your pants.

6. The checkout boys at the grocery store will no longer offer to help take your giant cartful of groceries out but they will ask the 20 year old in the next lane who just purchased a pack of gum and a 20 oz mountain dew if she needs help out to her car.

5. If you get pulled over the police despite crying and looking pathetic and saying "I have had a really bad morning" he will just say "well now its just gotten worse" and hand you your seat belt violation ticket anyway.

4. Makeup is no longer a choice it is a necessity.

3. When you say you might want some plastic surgery...people START MENTIONING things that if they were me "they would pick first"

2. When you say "I am hot" it means your having a hot flash or the central air is broken.

1. Friday nights no longer involve friends, booze, and staying out all night...Friday nights now involve trips to Walmart to buy Menopause away and fans.

okay now WHY IT IS GREAT TO BE OVER 40 SOMETHING....

10. I have a lifetime of experience and knowledge under my belt..ie I know when the telephone solicitor calls to HANG UP RIGHT AWAY because if you don't you will end up buying a 5 year subscription to a magazine club that will send you Golf Digest, Billiards Digest and Fishing Digest and an absolutely free guide to Putt Putt Golf for Dummies.

9. I have more disposable income as I am no longer buying mega bottles of tylonol as my children are grown.

8. I can come and go as I please..oh except for the 40 hours a week I am expected at work and the 10 hours a week I should be doing housework and the 7 hours a week I should be working out so I don't keel over dead from obesity and the 56 hours I need to be asleep so I don't turn into an assassin.

7. I can be mean and cranky and get away with it by declaring "I can't help it I am crazy from Menopause"

6. I can carry a big purse and not look like a potential shoplifter.

5. I no longer worry about people thinking I am young and stupid...now I know I am brilliant.

4. I can eat ice cream for dinner on account of the "losing calcium as you age".

3. I can wear all sorts of cheap bling and people don't think I am trashy they think I am eccentric.

2. I can read all the trashy books and watch all the trashy TV I want because I do not have a developing mind.

1. I am much better at guarding my mouth and not calling people stupid except stupid drivers downtown,stupid Walmart shoppers, and the generally stupid people that seem to surround me.

Yes Fried Cream Cheese Can Be a Disapointment

Seeeester day yesterday!
Off the sisters went to a festival in Lake Ceder.
The thought of Bingo makes the sister giddy as does the thought of eating Festival Food WHILE playing Bingo.
First item on agenda make a circuit of the food carts to decide which culinary delight should be devoured...yummmm..elephant ears, funnel cakes, corn on the cob...we are salivating as we ogle the food vendors with our money clutched tight in our gluttonous little hands ...then we spot it...a cart that will make a glutton's eyes pop right of their sockets...FRIED CHEESE....there are some many things right about fried cheese..first off it is CHEESE...MELTED CHEESE...IN BATTER...ON A STICK!
So we order Fried Cream Cheese and a Fried Swiss Cheese and Rye. Fried Cream Cheese not so good even on a stick. Fried swiss cheese and Rye only good when you just suck the swiss cheese out of the so NOT rye breading and the stick gets in the way. How could this have gone wrong???? It sounded oh so right...but cheese rolled in what is basically corn dog batter was a disappointment.

Pirogi: Threw them in the trash..NOT GOOD..

Corn on the Cob. Denise loved. Kim refused to partake on account of dental issues.

Funnel Cake: Ate the entire thing with sister...enough said.

Bingo: It is not fun to play bingo when the pot is 5.00 and less and the cards were $.50 a piece. Old ladies are serious about their bingo. One round old lady complained to the Bingo caller because she thought that guy at the next table was cheating.Played some then Denise had an awesome idea...lets cut out and go to the
Merriville Mall. See why I love my sister?????

Mall: Oh Sears in the Merriville Mall how I love you so. Clearance galore. Baby Caleb scored LOTS of cut outfits, all for 5.00 and less! Okay Meth users quit using meth get a visa card and go to the Clearance Section of Sears.I swear to you it will be even better then your illegal high and you will be well dressed.

Bakers Square for Dinner: A restaurant of pies.I was pretty sure I had died and had gone to heaven. I have a great idea for Bakers Square they should have all you can eat pie night say for $6.00! I would so be there. I think the only thing better then all you can eat pie buffet would be bottomless Margarita glass.


Fireworks store: Denise declared Big Bang to not have good sales..I believe she said that just because she was bouncing up and down declaring she had to "pee really bad" and they did not have a bathroom. Do not travel with Denise and allow her to drink four glasses of ice tea at dinner and then let her take a tea to go.

All in all a very relaxing and fun day with the seeeester.....Thank you seeester dear I love you (though not quite as much as I love pie and clearance sections but you come pretty close).

You may call Me Mrs. Kaufman

Grandchildren:We have had the pleasure of having our oldest grandson while his mother is recuperating in the hospital from her C section which brought our sweet little Caleb into our fold. Okay I never thought I would say this but hearing "Hey Grandma" a gazillion times in a 24 hour period has got me contemplating a name switch. I have been asked everything from "where are the dead bodies at in the cemetary?" to "why can't we go to Chuckie Cheese for breakfast?". He has an endless supply of questions and comments. We were coming out of Marsh and I said "Be careful there is a car coming" He responds, "Actually that is a Truck, Grandma" I say "Wow you are just like your Grandpa" Adams says "That's what my Mom says"
Last night Keaton came to hang out with his cousin and G-Ma and G-Pa. During swimming time Keaton decides he must have the hose. He asked Grandpa for the hose and Grandpa says "No you don't need the hose" Keaton says "Why" Grandpa did not have a good answer as to why Keaton could not have the hose because after all he already was wet..so he hands over the hose and then we find out why he should not have gotten it because Grandma AND Grandpa promptly got sprayed with the hose.

Puppy: I forgot how hyper black labs are. I have now been fully reminded.

Food: I have given up Wendy's Oreos frosty and have completely kicked my addicition. However, it has been replaced with an intense desire for Hot Fudge Sundaes. What the heck is wrong with me?

Workouts: I am plodding slow...oh so slow...I think it has to do with the previous topic. Once this gallon of icecream is gone it will be a good thing...a very good thing.

Happy Father's Day to All! We have fabulous father's in our family! In rememberence of the fathers in my life:
My Dad: You have always made me laugh. I think that is what I miss about you most.
You were witty, clever and never let me beat you at scrabble. When I actually did beat you which I must add was only once I was so proud because I beat the smartest man I knew. You taught us to be strong, self reliant,cynical, generous and gave us a sarcastic sense of humor (some people call sick..they obviously do not get good humor, and you also gave us a work ethic that will likely kill us. For along time after you left us I kept picking up the phone to call and tell you something funny or share some good news with you. I miss you and love you and you would have loved the little guys in our family..they are what you would have called "boy boys".

Grandpa Richard: When you married Mom you married a whole family. You loved us like we were your own despite the fact that you got us full grown. You were a good Grandpa to the kids and you they will always remember you. My dad loved you too he said he could not have picked a better man to have been a father to his girls and a grandpa to his Grandkids and he was very grateful for all that you did for us. Jerry and the boys still love pine village but it is bittersweet for me because despite its beauty I have Pine Village and you so strong entwined that I don't see the beauty I just see that you are not there. I miss driving up and seeing you on your mower with your funny hat waving at me.

Okay I have to move on to another topic because I am going to make myself cry.....

Have a wonderful day to all. Father's Days adoration will be moved to next Sunday because we are not doing a gathering without Caleb, Kendra and Lucas!

Things I Must Keep Reminding Myself About

1) There is no such thing as just eating a few Cheese It's...if I open that box I am gonna probably finish them off.

2) Calling people wanker is not lady like.

3) Screaming at the driver on my left to "maintain your lane of travel you moran" with my car window rolled up will not actually keep him/her from straddling both lanes..

4)If I eat an entire bag of fun sized snickers my socks will get too tight...okay okay I mean my pants.

5)Buying new running shoes will not make me faster.

6) I cannot slap people in Walmart because they are in my way,I will get arrested and I don't look good in stripes.

7) Driving a 5 Speed Saturn really is cool...

8) The tag on my shirts go on the inside.....

9)Menopause is not an excuse to browbeat people or threaten to twist their heads off like a pop top.

10) Nice Girls don't make voo doo dolls.