1) There is no such thing as just eating a few Cheese It's...if I open that box I am gonna probably finish them off.
2) Calling people wanker is not lady like.
3) Screaming at the driver on my left to "maintain your lane of travel you moran" with my car window rolled up will not actually keep him/her from straddling both lanes..
4)If I eat an entire bag of fun sized snickers my socks will get too tight...okay okay I mean my pants.
5)Buying new running shoes will not make me faster.
6) I cannot slap people in Walmart because they are in my way,I will get arrested and I don't look good in stripes.
7) Driving a 5 Speed Saturn really is cool...
8) The tag on my shirts go on the inside.....
9)Menopause is not an excuse to browbeat people or threaten to twist their heads off like a pop top.
10) Nice Girls don't make voo doo dolls.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Stop the Insanity
I don't know when it happened but at some point I lost complete control of my life. I am now in the unenviable position of reclaiming what is rightfully mine..Peace of Mind and Soul. My house looks like Horders should come in with their crazy hoarder Pych doctors and give me a session or two, my schedule has gone awry and nothing gets done on time( I have had to call twice and have late fees waived and freely admited it was menopause and that I have become unhinged...both times the service reps were woman...both times they waived my $35 late fee), I never cook anymore and have become overly fond of Lean Pockets and canned asparagus, and menopause has caused me to become irrational and have wild mood swings that have me wanting to sob in despair and then wanting to knock people upside the head with my beautiful shiny black handbag.
So what does a woman due when her mental stablity is at risk and does not feel the like she has peace of mind and soul? She does not drink lots and lots of wine, nor does she eat mass quantities of reece cups. She does not go to the doctor and says "Can you give me a little something to ease the anxiety". She cleans...or makes plans to clean...
General Kim's Plan of Attack Against Insanity:
The first level of attack.... cleaning my laundry room. No woman should have to bend and stretch and straddle just to get something out of her freezer or utility closet. Granted you could apply this in "Livestrong.com" as "Yoga". However, if you are bending, stretching and straddling to get the frozen Sara Lee pie out of the freezer I think it is cancels out the "did Yoga" part. At any rate the first level of attack to reclaiming my peace of mind and soul was successful. However, I doubt the wisdom of making my freezer easily assessible.
Second Level of Attack: Clean upstairs room and turn it into sleep and playroom for the grandchildren. I retreated from this assault as when I opened the door I was confronted by the sight of a large artificial Chistmas Tree completely assembled (sans ornaments) with a partially inflated air mattress next to it and many many boxes of stuff surrounding the mattress and Christmas Tree. Slammed the door and retreated..a good General knows when to retreat and when to attack....
Third Level of Attack: Bathe Dog..the dog is old...like a zillion years old in people years..he stinks..BAD. Told him he was going to get a bath...he slunk off and hid under the kitchen table..tried to lure him out with dog biscuit..then hunk of cheese..he growled and bared all four of his teeth. General Kim decides this battle is a losing one and just shoots him with a spray of vanilla bean air freshener. The General determines this is not a retreat but rather a treaty as the dog did allow the General to spray him with air freshener.
While my peace of mind and sanity have not been restored I feel slightly more balanced and will prepare myself for further attacks in the next week.
Overheard at Grandma's House:
Adam"I have an idea...hows about I sleep at your house"
Grandma "You will have to ask your mommy"
Adam "Grandma says I can sleep at her house"
Mommy" You don't have pajamas"
Adam"Grandma you got pajamas here?"
Grandma "I believe I do"
Adam "It's good Grandma has pajamas"
Laughing my butt off moment:
Helicopter war with Adam and Keaton. After Grandma was covered with Helicopters she suggests to Adam and Keaton that they bombard Mommy/Aunt Kendra with handfuls of Helicopters. Keaton was laughing so hard at the thought of throwing a handful of helicopters at his Aunt Kendra that he could hardly walk and hold his helicopters.
So what does a woman due when her mental stablity is at risk and does not feel the like she has peace of mind and soul? She does not drink lots and lots of wine, nor does she eat mass quantities of reece cups. She does not go to the doctor and says "Can you give me a little something to ease the anxiety". She cleans...or makes plans to clean...
General Kim's Plan of Attack Against Insanity:
The first level of attack.... cleaning my laundry room. No woman should have to bend and stretch and straddle just to get something out of her freezer or utility closet. Granted you could apply this in "Livestrong.com" as "Yoga". However, if you are bending, stretching and straddling to get the frozen Sara Lee pie out of the freezer I think it is cancels out the "did Yoga" part. At any rate the first level of attack to reclaiming my peace of mind and soul was successful. However, I doubt the wisdom of making my freezer easily assessible.
Second Level of Attack: Clean upstairs room and turn it into sleep and playroom for the grandchildren. I retreated from this assault as when I opened the door I was confronted by the sight of a large artificial Chistmas Tree completely assembled (sans ornaments) with a partially inflated air mattress next to it and many many boxes of stuff surrounding the mattress and Christmas Tree. Slammed the door and retreated..a good General knows when to retreat and when to attack....
Third Level of Attack: Bathe Dog..the dog is old...like a zillion years old in people years..he stinks..BAD. Told him he was going to get a bath...he slunk off and hid under the kitchen table..tried to lure him out with dog biscuit..then hunk of cheese..he growled and bared all four of his teeth. General Kim decides this battle is a losing one and just shoots him with a spray of vanilla bean air freshener. The General determines this is not a retreat but rather a treaty as the dog did allow the General to spray him with air freshener.
While my peace of mind and sanity have not been restored I feel slightly more balanced and will prepare myself for further attacks in the next week.
Overheard at Grandma's House:
Adam"I have an idea...hows about I sleep at your house"
Grandma "You will have to ask your mommy"
Adam "Grandma says I can sleep at her house"
Mommy" You don't have pajamas"
Adam"Grandma you got pajamas here?"
Grandma "I believe I do"
Adam "It's good Grandma has pajamas"
Laughing my butt off moment:
Helicopter war with Adam and Keaton. After Grandma was covered with Helicopters she suggests to Adam and Keaton that they bombard Mommy/Aunt Kendra with handfuls of Helicopters. Keaton was laughing so hard at the thought of throwing a handful of helicopters at his Aunt Kendra that he could hardly walk and hold his helicopters.
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