1)When you wife comes home grumpy from work DO NOT look at your watch and say "Is it that time of the Month Again" Proper Response "I cannot believe the whole world does not know what a wonderful perfect woman you are..nobody appreciates you properly."
2)When your wife says "I cannot believe I am not losing weight with all the exercise I do." DO NOT respond with, "Maybe if you would cut back on your food you would not have to exercise so much" Proper Response " You are perfect just the way you are. You are way hotter then Shakira"
3) When your wife says "Do you think this outfit makes me look fat?" DO NOT respond by saying "Well clothes cannot make you look any fatter then you actually are."
PROPER RESPONSE "Baby you look good in anything. Your are totally my Top Model"
4)DO NOT look in the crock pot and say "Gross I hate crock pot food" Proper Response "I can't believe you work all week and still have dinner ready every night...you are a domestic goddess please let me worship at your feet"
5) DO NOT ASK your wife "are you going to lay around all day and do nothing but read and watch Law & Order" Do say "while you are laying there my dear, why don't I bring you a little snack and flip the channel to "Snapped" for you."
6) DO NOT respond with " I would bite you too" if your wife complains that your stinky old mean dog once AGAIN bit her on the leg. Do say "I will at once take that vicious animal to the animal shelter and please lay down and rest your injured leg while I fetch you a DQ Pecan Pie Blizzard while you recover"
7)DO NOT say "What did you do to your hair" when your wife comes home from the hair dresser when the beauty shop got a little snip happy. PROPER RESPONSE " I see you got a sassy new haircut my little minx"
8) When your wife says "Honey I made cookies and nary a cookie crossed my lips" DO NOT say "you are not missing much they were dry anyway" Proper Response: "Your will power is amazing, you truly are the most amazing woman that has ever walked the earth (additional guidance...do not insert the words "aside from my mother' in the proper response) If you happen to be talking to your mother you WILL want to insert those words)
9) DO NOT say "Maybe you should go to the doctor to get a prescription for whatever this is that you are going through because this is not normal" Proper Response "Let me mix you up a pitcher of margaritas and bring you a basket of chips and some salsa. I think there is a marathon of "Snapped" Episodes let me get the remote"
10) DO NOT EVER EVER EVER SAY "Why can't you do (fill in the blank with just about anything) like (fill in the blank with any other woman's name). DO SAY "My darling I bet you could do (fill in the blank) a hundred times better then (fill in the blank with any other woman's name). I am totally not worthy of you. Please allow me to worship you, take you to the Mall and buy you much cheap gaudy bling"
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Why it Sucks to be Over 40 something.....
10. Metabolism comes to a screeching halt...mine is the equivalent of a Hippensteel Funeral Home client.
9. You cannot stay out all night with your friends and work the next day...if your not in bed by 9:00 (and that would be p.m.) then you have to take a nap in the breakroom during lunch and your co workers will ask if you have the flu and advise "You look horrible"
8. The sexy tousled bed head look now just looks like you forgot to brush your hair.
7. You cannot eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner and still button your pants.
6. The checkout boys at the grocery store will no longer offer to help take your giant cartful of groceries out but they will ask the 20 year old in the next lane who just purchased a pack of gum and a 20 oz mountain dew if she needs help out to her car.
5. If you get pulled over the police despite crying and looking pathetic and saying "I have had a really bad morning" he will just say "well now its just gotten worse" and hand you your seat belt violation ticket anyway.
4. Makeup is no longer a choice it is a necessity.
3. When you say you might want some plastic surgery...people START MENTIONING things that if they were me "they would pick first"
2. When you say "I am hot" it means your having a hot flash or the central air is broken.
1. Friday nights no longer involve friends, booze, and staying out all night...Friday nights now involve trips to Walmart to buy Menopause away and fans.
okay now WHY IT IS GREAT TO BE OVER 40 SOMETHING....
10. I have a lifetime of experience and knowledge under my belt..ie I know when the telephone solicitor calls to HANG UP RIGHT AWAY because if you don't you will end up buying a 5 year subscription to a magazine club that will send you Golf Digest, Billiards Digest and Fishing Digest and an absolutely free guide to Putt Putt Golf for Dummies.
9. I have more disposable income as I am no longer buying mega bottles of tylonol as my children are grown.
8. I can come and go as I please..oh except for the 40 hours a week I am expected at work and the 10 hours a week I should be doing housework and the 7 hours a week I should be working out so I don't keel over dead from obesity and the 56 hours I need to be asleep so I don't turn into an assassin.
7. I can be mean and cranky and get away with it by declaring "I can't help it I am crazy from Menopause"
6. I can carry a big purse and not look like a potential shoplifter.
5. I no longer worry about people thinking I am young and stupid...now I know I am brilliant.
4. I can eat ice cream for dinner on account of the "losing calcium as you age".
3. I can wear all sorts of cheap bling and people don't think I am trashy they think I am eccentric.
2. I can read all the trashy books and watch all the trashy TV I want because I do not have a developing mind.
1. I am much better at guarding my mouth and not calling people stupid except stupid drivers downtown,stupid Walmart shoppers, and the generally stupid people that seem to surround me.
9. You cannot stay out all night with your friends and work the next day...if your not in bed by 9:00 (and that would be p.m.) then you have to take a nap in the breakroom during lunch and your co workers will ask if you have the flu and advise "You look horrible"
8. The sexy tousled bed head look now just looks like you forgot to brush your hair.
7. You cannot eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner and still button your pants.
6. The checkout boys at the grocery store will no longer offer to help take your giant cartful of groceries out but they will ask the 20 year old in the next lane who just purchased a pack of gum and a 20 oz mountain dew if she needs help out to her car.
5. If you get pulled over the police despite crying and looking pathetic and saying "I have had a really bad morning" he will just say "well now its just gotten worse" and hand you your seat belt violation ticket anyway.
4. Makeup is no longer a choice it is a necessity.
3. When you say you might want some plastic surgery...people START MENTIONING things that if they were me "they would pick first"
2. When you say "I am hot" it means your having a hot flash or the central air is broken.
1. Friday nights no longer involve friends, booze, and staying out all night...Friday nights now involve trips to Walmart to buy Menopause away and fans.
okay now WHY IT IS GREAT TO BE OVER 40 SOMETHING....
10. I have a lifetime of experience and knowledge under my belt..ie I know when the telephone solicitor calls to HANG UP RIGHT AWAY because if you don't you will end up buying a 5 year subscription to a magazine club that will send you Golf Digest, Billiards Digest and Fishing Digest and an absolutely free guide to Putt Putt Golf for Dummies.
9. I have more disposable income as I am no longer buying mega bottles of tylonol as my children are grown.
8. I can come and go as I please..oh except for the 40 hours a week I am expected at work and the 10 hours a week I should be doing housework and the 7 hours a week I should be working out so I don't keel over dead from obesity and the 56 hours I need to be asleep so I don't turn into an assassin.
7. I can be mean and cranky and get away with it by declaring "I can't help it I am crazy from Menopause"
6. I can carry a big purse and not look like a potential shoplifter.
5. I no longer worry about people thinking I am young and stupid...now I know I am brilliant.
4. I can eat ice cream for dinner on account of the "losing calcium as you age".
3. I can wear all sorts of cheap bling and people don't think I am trashy they think I am eccentric.
2. I can read all the trashy books and watch all the trashy TV I want because I do not have a developing mind.
1. I am much better at guarding my mouth and not calling people stupid except stupid drivers downtown,stupid Walmart shoppers, and the generally stupid people that seem to surround me.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Yes Fried Cream Cheese Can Be a Disapointment
Seeeester day yesterday!
Off the sisters went to a festival in Lake Ceder.
The thought of Bingo makes the sister giddy as does the thought of eating Festival Food WHILE playing Bingo.
First item on agenda make a circuit of the food carts to decide which culinary delight should be devoured...yummmm..elephant ears, funnel cakes, corn on the cob...we are salivating as we ogle the food vendors with our money clutched tight in our gluttonous little hands ...then we spot it...a cart that will make a glutton's eyes pop right of their sockets...FRIED CHEESE....there are some many things right about fried cheese..first off it is CHEESE...MELTED CHEESE...IN BATTER...ON A STICK!
So we order Fried Cream Cheese and a Fried Swiss Cheese and Rye. Fried Cream Cheese not so good even on a stick. Fried swiss cheese and Rye only good when you just suck the swiss cheese out of the so NOT rye breading and the stick gets in the way. How could this have gone wrong???? It sounded oh so right...but cheese rolled in what is basically corn dog batter was a disappointment.
Pirogi: Threw them in the trash..NOT GOOD..
Corn on the Cob. Denise loved. Kim refused to partake on account of dental issues.
Funnel Cake: Ate the entire thing with sister...enough said.
Bingo: It is not fun to play bingo when the pot is 5.00 and less and the cards were $.50 a piece. Old ladies are serious about their bingo. One round old lady complained to the Bingo caller because she thought that guy at the next table was cheating.Played some then Denise had an awesome idea...lets cut out and go to the
Merriville Mall. See why I love my sister?????
Mall: Oh Sears in the Merriville Mall how I love you so. Clearance galore. Baby Caleb scored LOTS of cut outfits, all for 5.00 and less! Okay Meth users quit using meth get a visa card and go to the Clearance Section of Sears.I swear to you it will be even better then your illegal high and you will be well dressed.
Bakers Square for Dinner: A restaurant of pies.I was pretty sure I had died and had gone to heaven. I have a great idea for Bakers Square they should have all you can eat pie night say for $6.00! I would so be there. I think the only thing better then all you can eat pie buffet would be bottomless Margarita glass.
Fireworks store: Denise declared Big Bang to not have good sales..I believe she said that just because she was bouncing up and down declaring she had to "pee really bad" and they did not have a bathroom. Do not travel with Denise and allow her to drink four glasses of ice tea at dinner and then let her take a tea to go.
All in all a very relaxing and fun day with the seeeester.....Thank you seeester dear I love you (though not quite as much as I love pie and clearance sections but you come pretty close).
Off the sisters went to a festival in Lake Ceder.
The thought of Bingo makes the sister giddy as does the thought of eating Festival Food WHILE playing Bingo.
First item on agenda make a circuit of the food carts to decide which culinary delight should be devoured...yummmm..elephant ears, funnel cakes, corn on the cob...we are salivating as we ogle the food vendors with our money clutched tight in our gluttonous little hands ...then we spot it...a cart that will make a glutton's eyes pop right of their sockets...FRIED CHEESE....there are some many things right about fried cheese..first off it is CHEESE...MELTED CHEESE...IN BATTER...ON A STICK!
So we order Fried Cream Cheese and a Fried Swiss Cheese and Rye. Fried Cream Cheese not so good even on a stick. Fried swiss cheese and Rye only good when you just suck the swiss cheese out of the so NOT rye breading and the stick gets in the way. How could this have gone wrong???? It sounded oh so right...but cheese rolled in what is basically corn dog batter was a disappointment.
Pirogi: Threw them in the trash..NOT GOOD..
Corn on the Cob. Denise loved. Kim refused to partake on account of dental issues.
Funnel Cake: Ate the entire thing with sister...enough said.
Bingo: It is not fun to play bingo when the pot is 5.00 and less and the cards were $.50 a piece. Old ladies are serious about their bingo. One round old lady complained to the Bingo caller because she thought that guy at the next table was cheating.Played some then Denise had an awesome idea...lets cut out and go to the
Merriville Mall. See why I love my sister?????
Mall: Oh Sears in the Merriville Mall how I love you so. Clearance galore. Baby Caleb scored LOTS of cut outfits, all for 5.00 and less! Okay Meth users quit using meth get a visa card and go to the Clearance Section of Sears.I swear to you it will be even better then your illegal high and you will be well dressed.
Bakers Square for Dinner: A restaurant of pies.I was pretty sure I had died and had gone to heaven. I have a great idea for Bakers Square they should have all you can eat pie night say for $6.00! I would so be there. I think the only thing better then all you can eat pie buffet would be bottomless Margarita glass.
Fireworks store: Denise declared Big Bang to not have good sales..I believe she said that just because she was bouncing up and down declaring she had to "pee really bad" and they did not have a bathroom. Do not travel with Denise and allow her to drink four glasses of ice tea at dinner and then let her take a tea to go.
All in all a very relaxing and fun day with the seeeester.....Thank you seeester dear I love you (though not quite as much as I love pie and clearance sections but you come pretty close).
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