Contemplations on my Results

Yes I finished. Yes I am happy I did not quit. YES I am dissappointed in myself. I know I could have done much better yesterday and after talking to my son I have to concur with him that I talked myself right out of doing well! Here is why!
1) As soon as I got there I saw NO woman my size. I saw fit running women. I kept saying to my daughter where are "MY GIRLS" (meaning my size). We finally found 2. One was about 20 and she came in right before I did and one was probably my age and she did not finish the entire run. I was freaked. To many fit woman and none my size. The ones my size were doing the 2 mile which my son said would have been to much within my comfort zone that I needed to do something to really push me. Which believe me I picked the right one. The result of not seeing any of "MY GIRLS" was the beginning of my panic zone.
2) It was hot. It was not too bad when we got there but I could feel the tempeture rising. I always run early in the AM with no sun most of the time it is dark. I have an aversion to heat and sun. During winter runs I usually just wear a tee shirt and shorts unless it gets below 30 then I will wear pants but keep the tee shirt on...usually no jacket. So I kept thinking if I am hot in the winter what am I gonna feel like now? I felt the sun start to him me and the panic level raised. I just keep thinking "Oh my gosh I am going to pass out from the heat. I am going to have heat stroke and die" At that time I went over to my kids and said, "What the heck have I done. Why am I here? I don't belong here."
3) I have only done six miles like a few times and that was at least a year ago...before I hurt my foot. So I keep thinking, "How am I going to do 6. I don't have the stamina to do six. I have not trained enough for six" So then the panic rose ALL the way to the top and I wanted to cry.

So here is what happened. I started out feeling panicked, it keep rising, at the 1/4 mark I started to walk. My son and daughter drive by I take off my headphones. I look at them and say I can't do this. I quit. My son glares at me and says to keep going. I put my earphones back on. My music is making me crazy, the cadence is making me crazy. I start to jog. The one armed man passes me. The man in the wheel chair passes me. The old old old man passes me (though in all fairness he looked like one of those old men that have run like a gazillion marthons..all legs...lean lean lean legs.) Then every one passes me and I am last. I do no like to be last I pick up the pace till there are around 4 people behind me. At that point I decide if there are 4 people behind me the entire time that will be good enough. So there I set my expectation down real real low. That was a big mistake. I did see pick out four woman that I was going to try to catch. Two were young and they kept a absolute steady pace the entire race. They never VARIED. Not one bit! There was also another woman in front of them that was doing the walk/run thing. I tried to catch her. I did several times and as soon as I did she would take off again. At one point I said to her, "Hey man I just caught you, stay put for awhile" She looked irriated and took off. I guess she did not want to be last either. The nice people of Flora were sitting in their yards. Some had sprinklers and hoses to cool off the runners. Some just clapped and encouraged. I say "God Bless you even though I was too much in a fog to show appreciation" Okay so I kept pushing, walk, jog, sprint. I would catch the girls in the backpacks and pass them and then I would have to walk...they kept going and passed me. I swear they were like little windup robots. They weren't breathing hard at all. I would say they were probably about 20 years old. There was a young girl behind me. She passed me so then there were just three behind me. As she passed she said to me, "My Dad is behind you but don't worry he won't pass you." I semi laughed (cause did not have the energy to really laugh). Poor daddy his baby sold him out. And she was right he did not pass me. So I continue on. I am in full panic mode. I am mad because I can't catch my breath. I am mad because I keep walking. I am mad, panicked, dissapointed, tired hot, and miserable. Finally at one point I found it. I found my breath, I found my pace and then it started, "Oh no, can I keep this up? I still have a ways to go." Then I started to loose control of breathing and started to pant, then had to walk. I am at the end now. Jeff (another Y member and a fantastically kind man) met me at the last 1/4 mile. He had already finished. He ran me to me to the barricades for the final stretch and said you can do it...don't stop...keep going. He said I still had more in me. I saw the checkered flags and I picked it up and moved it. However, a little too late at this point. I finished...could not take off my own timing chip. Bonnie (another Y member) sees me says "Are you okay?" I shake my head no. Mike (another Y member) gives me water. He knows I will be okay he has seen me like this before (in the 5k). My son and daughter missed me come in because the had met me at around the last 1 mile mark and got lost trying to get back to the park. They got back. They thought I had not crossed yet. Someone Jamie knew said no she came in. I bet they were relieved because when I jogged pass them I said right into the video recorder (and I apolgize if this offends anyone) "THIS SUCKS". I said it LOUD and with feeling. As soon as I pass them I started walking and then started jogging again. I think they thought I was gonna quit because when someone jogs past you and says "THIS SUCKS" with so much emotion it does not look well for the outcome.
Well I finished. I did not quit. Was I successful? In the fact that I finished yes. But Successfull over all. I would have to say no because I did not do the best that I was capable of doing. I came home researched stamina endurance. Decided I don't know how the heck to train. Finally decided one long run on the weekends. Will try for a tempo run during the week and one day during the weeks do speed work (400s for now). I hope this works. I found a little chart that tells me what my training speeds should be. I need to work out in the evenings at least one night after work to get use to the heat...or during my lunch break for thirty minutes...but then that would involve coming back to the office and sticking my head under the bathroom faucet/blow drying my hair and having like 10 minutes for lunch..so that probably is not going to work. So likely I need to do after work. If anyone sees this post and runs please give me guidance! Okay I got off subject again. After the race. I recovered within 5 minutes or so and was able to walk around the car show. I think since I was able to walk around the car show that I did not give it all I had! Okay back home, took a soaking bath, iced my foot(which just feels a little store this morning), then went out to lunch. Came home took a 30 minute nap. Got up went to my son Brad's house to complain about how bad I did. He said "Mom you finished. You did great." HUMPH! Picked up Tyson took him the Dollar Store and the Grocery Store with me. He was looking a little antsy in the house. I bought the stuff for our father's day cookout. He got a new ball. Brad and Natalie should be very grateful that I said "NO NO NO" to the flute he wanted. I also said no to the water balloon, kit, and the candy bar and pop. He ended up with the Ball, some yougart and some string cheese and a bottled water. Took Tyson back home, kissed and cuddled my little cupcake for a few minutes ( I call Carissa cupcake because she smells like a bakery), then went home put my groceries away and then plopped on the couch where I stayed till 2 in the morning and my husband had to say, "You need to come upstairs and go to bed". Today my legs are tired...like I used them...my butt is tired...my foot is little sore..all in all I am in pretty good shape. I am going to train and be serious. I need to train, loose at least 20 pounds, probably more but will settle for 20. I want to be a middle of the packer! I don't want to be able to see the tail car. Okay I am going to reread this after the Pumpkin Push in October to see if I made any improvement. To the Future Pumpkin Push Kim from Kim the back of the packer says, "Congratulation Pumpkin Push Middle of the Packer Kim"